Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin had a mom ass when she was 19. This lady was never hot but there are almost no attractive people from the Northern parts of North America. The gender makeup of Alaska is like 20% women and 80% meth labs.

If I ever have a daughter I'm never letting her go north of Milwaukee. I'm not getting cable tv because she might see part of a hockey game or snow. In fact, I'm not even letting her go to kindergarten because she might see a drawing of a polar bear and get pregnant.

But there are weirdos out there who are in to Mom Porn and whatever. Ya'all have your own issues. So here's something ya'all will like.

Parasailin'

With Sarah Palin

The Book of Baldwin

Amazing. Just when I was starting to lose faith in miracles. God offers us the rarely followed career arc of Stephen Baldwin, the actor turned televangelist turned taxevasionist turned South Park punching bag.

"In 2002, he had an experience that changed his life forever. He became a Born Again Christian, giving his life to Jesus Christ. Over the next few years, he became very vocal about his faith, using his spotlight to boldly preach the gospel. However, because of this convictions it has caused him the loss of many jobs and the most recently, a highly publicized bankruptcy."

Rule #1 of born again christian grammar: We capitalize two things, the savior's name and Born Again Christian.

Rule #2 of born again christian grammar: The ONLY rule of born again christian grammar is Rule #1.



Go to the website.

From the Q + A section:

Q- Why does Stephen need personal wealth?
A- Stephen’s influence is in Hollywood. Hollywood worships money and without it you are seen as a loser and cannot be an effective influence to this group.

Q- How much money does he need?
A- From what I read in public court documents Stephen needs several million dollars to pay all of his creditors but he deserves hundreds of millions for his Job like faithfulness in the face of relentless loss and persecution. (Just in case you were wondering I know how to look up important stuff like court documents and criminal records ok? So yes our goal is to restore Stephen Baldwin but once we have him restored, lets just say we get a few extra checks, maybe the checks keep coming, well we've got plans for that too. Well they're mainly God's plans actually.

Q- What percentage of a gift actually reaches Stephen?
A- 100% goes directly into his bank account through online gifting. The bank account was arranged by Daniel Southern. Daniel was Billy Graham’s Crusade Director for almost 20 years. (Ya I know we just said that it was Stephen Baldwin's bank account but then immediately afterward we said that it was actually somebody else's and that somebody else is sorta kinda involved in the same sham profession. Just trust us ok. Did you see that freakin' video? Wasn't it awesome?)

Chat Roulette

Chatroulette is a very old by blog terms (>1 Month) internet fad / meme creating device / possibly illegal website . I dont think its really cool because I use it all the time, but because other people use it all the time and mostly when it comes down to it we know the truth is that other people make all our decisions for us when it comes to being hip and finding sweet places to masturbate.

This video isn't all that funny, at least its not as funny as the people in the audience seem to think it is but it is pretty cool.

Does not understand the New York Times

The headline in the New York Times Business section says

"Analysts Ask if the iPad Can Live Up to Its Hype."

I usually just stop with the headlines because the articles are usually filled with inane details that I either misrecall or forget later and there's nothing less amazing than telling someone an already boring story and then citing half recollected statistics and quotes to prove something that is almost completely meaningless in the first place so I've determined that the best thing to do is to just make up fake facts and fake quotes to approximate whatever I feel the other person is expecting to hear. For instance as evidence of the expectations for the product, the real article states that

"On the day this month when Apple made the completely unsurprising announcement that the iPad would go on sale on April 3, the stock jumped nearly 4 percent."

This makes absolutely no sense. If its an unsurprising announcement then the stock movement of 3-4 percent has nothing to do with said "unsurprising announcement" and is just part of the random walk. The article also talks about how Apple's stock is up 10% since the end of January when the iPad was unveiled. Do you know what else is up exactly 10% in that exact time frame? The entire fucking stock market.

Those last couple of overly long sentences are of course completely besides the point because what actually confuses me is how the fuck there is anything even closely resembling "Hype" surrounding the ipad. I'm positive that in two years people are going to be able to cite this as a reference to my idiocy regarding technology which incidentally is a topic that should never be discussed and isn't even nearly as valuable as your autistic seven year old's view of Kierkegaard's influence on Nietzsche. Regardless, Apple says that the iPad uses all the same apps as the iphone and itouch so its users are supposedly already familiar with its interface but what I'm going to tell people is that the Times had a video link of an Apple employee using the iPads best application of all - as an expensive warm glowey cutting board.

Here is a link to a video of another promising iPad app.

It involves a golf club and o shit I bet you'll never guess what happens!